What kind of dumbass are my kids going to think I am when I tell them to save every penny that isn't actually a penny?

Historically, coins hold a great deal of significance. Take the likes of Alexander the Great, Napoleon, Julius Caeser: arguably their greatest achievement was earning a spot on the face of a coin. Those coins reflected the might of their facesakes; I'd much rather get hit with a bag of Benjamins than a sacque of Caesers. 

Americans are tired of change.  A friend drove me to lunch a few weeks back, and after paying the meter she dumped the few pennies she had on the sidewalk.  I thought holy crap, she just threw away good American money!  Then I thought holy shit, I'd have done the same thing!

The government is systematically eradicating the penny from use.   They began their inquisition by barring pennies from parking meters, and started a social revolution that spread like wildfire.  The message is clear: get the brown coin out.  

 This afternoon I'd like to distinguish the US penny by adding it to Mr. Dean's list, for putting up with all the silver coins' shit.  

It's become standard to refuse pennies.  Arcades don't take them, turning their backs on their previous lives as "penny arcades" like 50 Cent on his Connecticut upbringing.  And good luck at the vending machines.  With a pocketful of pennies I lose any hope of being the temporary-tatted up beefcake in the McDonalds pay 'n piss bathroom.  The funniest joke I ever told was asking my bank teller for a roll of pennies.  With that roll I wouldn't even be able to go fuck myself- my asshole has stopped accepting pennies.  

I know what you're thinking... that day to day this doesn't affect you much.  Even if parking meters did take the petty penny, it'd take 25 for a 15 minute spot.  Who's really going to carry around three pounds of loose change in case they wanna Fanta?  Well you've all seen one of these before:

Examples aren't abundant, but the one place that stands out as ideal for penny use also happens to be the Mississippi of penny policy- the laundromat.  You're already lugging 20 pounds of crap over there, so why not collect and carry enough pennies for a load?  Because the typically white machines want none of it.  Don't forget that laundromats are one of few places that still encourage separating whites from colors.  Why don't the bigwigs crack down on this blatant violation of civil rights?  They're still pissed at Lincoln.

There's little we can do to stop these prejudice wheels from turning.  So before they become obsolete, spend some time with your pennies.  But don't save them.  Coin collectors are suckers.